Convincing someone that you’re right can feel like climbing Mount Everest in flip-flops. Have you ever given a completely logical explanation, only to be met with a blank stare or, worse, a wall of resistance?
This challenge isn’t unique to you. From boardrooms to bedrooms, the struggle to be heard and understood is a daily universal battle. In this article, I will try to explain why you might not be heard and give you the tools to finally be understood.
Speak My Words
We don’t communicate with words; we communicate with the meanings we attach to them. In the book "Influencer: The Power to Change Anything," the authors describe it like this: “Every time you try to persuade others through verbal persuasion, you suffer from your inability to choose and share language in a way that precisely replicates the same thoughts in the listener’s mind that you have in yours. You say your words, but I hear my words.”
In other words, we all operate with our own personal dictionaries. You say "spontaneous," I hear "unreliable." You say "innovative," I hear "untested." When you try to convince me with pure logic, you’re essentially throwing ideas across a vast canyon. The message you send gets distorted mid-air by my past experiences, beliefs, and emotional state.
What Does It Mean to Me?
In a memorable moment during the 1992 American presidential debate between Clinton and Bush, a woman from the audience, Marisa Hall Summers, asked how the national debt had personally affected the candidates' lives. Bush responded with a lengthy, detailed, and very convoluted answer. When it was Clinton’s turn, he approached the woman, looked her straight in the eye, and asked, "Tell me how it has affected you?" He encouraged her to share her personal concerns and experiences, making it personal. Some believe that was the moment Clinton won the election.
When you try to convince me of something, the first thing you need to do is build an emotional connection by engaging with my perspective. Acknowledge my viewpoint. What are my concerns? Why might I disagree? I am much more likely to listen if I feel understood and valued.
Start by finding common ground, something we both can agree on. This not only creates a sense of trust and makes me more receptive to your ideas later on, but it also makes your argument more persuasive by showing how your ideas align with my own interests.
Stop attacking me
Imagine if the Always "Like a Girl" campaign had started by accusing viewers of being sexist, or if the CPB "Imagine" campaign had used billboards with the text "You’re a prejudiced jerk!" Our natural reaction would likely be to shut down completely. Accusations trigger defense mechanisms, causing our minds to resist, regardless of the message's validity. These campaigns understood this human nature, and instead of attacking, they invited us on a journey.
The "Like a Girl" campaign showed the strength of vulnerability. By presenting the raw honesty of young girls running confidently – “like a girl” – it allowed us viewers to see a stark contrast to how society often perceives the phrase. We weren’t told; we were shown, leading us to question our own definitions of "like a girl."
The "Imagine" campaign used subtle questions that sparked curiosity instead of defense mechanisms. "Imagine a person crying at the office. Is it a woman?" This simple prompt invites us to question our own assumptions about gender roles. We weren’t told we’re prejudiced; we were invited to consider our own mental shortcuts.
I Don’t See Things as They Are; I See Things as I Am
The ego is a strange thing. We tend to cling to and seek confirmation of our existing attitudes and beliefs, while rejecting evidence that contradicts our internal narratives, even when those narratives are incorrect.
To bypass this ego filter, you need to leave just enough room in your narrative for me to connect the dots myself. Much like the "Like a Girl" or "Imagine" campaigns did. Too much information will make it seem like you’re forcing my hand. Too little, and I might miss the point entirely. It has to be just the right amount.
This approach not only fosters engagement but also ensures that the message resonates deeper. When I arrive at conclusions myself, I feel a sense of ownership over the ideas. This ownership makes me more likely to defend and support these ideas. The reason is simple: I’m more convinced by ideas I perceive as my own than those imposed on me.
Tell Me a Captivating Story
Effective communication isn’t really about winning or "being right." It’s about building a bridge of understanding, and the most powerful tool you have at your disposal for this is a well crafted story.
Imagine me, your audience, as an explorer venturing into your worldview. Facts and figures can serve as a map, but a captivating story is the immersive experience that lets me experience your perspective firsthand.
Imagine now if the "Like a Girl" campaign was just a long discourse on gender stereotypes. Yawn! Instead, they showed the pure joy of young girls running as fast as they can when asked to run “like a girl.” This emotional journey allowed us to see the world through the girls’ lens and question our own definitions. No lecturing, just a chance to see things in a new way.
So, drop the lecture, embrace the story. Stories break the language barrier because they put words and facts into context. Good stories are personal and draw on thoughts and feelings we can all relate to . They connect us and guide us through new thoughts, experiences, and worlds, whether it’s a young girl’s innocent experience of charged expressions or a female audience member’s concerns about the future economy in a political debate.
Let your narrative be the virtual experience that transports me to your world and allows me to truly see and understand what you’re trying to tell me on my own. And maybe then, I’ll even end up agreeing with you.
