The World Wide Web, it's a wonderful thing to be sure. You've got your social media for endless moaning and pictures of your holidays. You've got your YouTube for Little Mix videos and footage of other people's pets. And you've got your online banking for hours of forgotten passwords and bleak updates on your overdraft.
However, the whole internet thing is so impressive, so thoroughly amazing, that a number of assertions concerning its incredible abilities are frequently made, and just as regularly repeated. What is more they are, frankly, weapons-grade nonsense.
So please, absorb the following and pledge never to repeat these non-facts again - for the safety and wellbeing of us all.
The myth:
Sites with the most visitors appear on Google's first page.
The truth:
We probably don't have enough space here to discuss exactly how Google works (and besides, it's pretty much a big secret) but it absolutely isn't a top ten chart of sites with the most traffic.
In fact, if anything, it's the reverse - sites with a higher ranking on Google attract more visitors. Because they're more visible on Google. The rest is a heady concoction of voodoo, geeky trickery and straightforward cheating - otherwise known as SEO.
The myth:
(And while we're on the subject) lots of hits make a successful site.
The truth:
Rarely does a week go by when I don't hear some charlie on the radio or TV banging on about his or her website which has had a million hits in the last year. Journalists swallow this guff too, boldly stating that a new social network for hamsters has received fifty thousand hits in its first week.
I'm not saying these are lies, I'm saying 'hits' are meaningless. Let's stay with our fictional site for rodents for a minute (you worked out it was fictional, right?). Those fifty thousand hits are not the same as 50,000 unique users. It simply means the homepage has been loaded fifty thousand times - and that could have been caused by anything from the owners checking their site over and over, to a solitary crackpot in Tasmania constantly reloading the page. Either way, it does nothing to denote the site's amazing performance.
The myth:
Everybody in the world can see your website.
The truth:
This stems from a tendency to assume everyone has a similar lifestyle to our own. True, almost every website can be accessed from almost any internet connection (security allowing), but how many of the world's citizens have an internet connection?
Actually, surprisingly few. In 2005, 81% of the planet's population had no internet access. In 2013, that figure is still 61%. That's right, most people on this paltry planet never see the web at all.
The myth:
'You're just one click away from ...'
The truth:
When internet usage is discussed, this little phrase invariably rears its head. Politicians tell us, with sincere concern underlining their every word, 'Teenagers are just one click away from internet pornography'. Online casinos assure potential punters they are 'Just one click away from thrilling, big-money games'.
But they're not, are they? At best, one click opens a search engine or plops your cursor into the browser's address bar. Partaking of the pleasure feast we call the web doesn't require much, but one click is generally insufficient.
The myth:
Everything is cheaper online.
The truth:
Granted, if you file share music and movies over the net (see below), then you are undoubtedly getting cheaper stuff because, to be blunt, you're pilfering it. But illegality aside, online shopping doesn't really save you heaps of cash. Second hand gubbins on eBay often sells for considerably more than you'd pay at a car-boot sale or a charity shop. And designer togs can usually be found at that TK place for a fraction of their ticket on a website.
Of course, so many businesses have shifted their operations to the web (travel agents, for instance) that you'd only purchase from them online, but that doesn't mean they're now much cheaper. And because the internet offers so much competition, physical shops now tend to use lower prices as their remaining USP.
The myth:
Torrenting gives you easy access to all the music and movies in the world - for free.
The truth:
Only a fool would believe torrenting (or file sharing) isn't popular. In fact, it is so popular that operators of sites such as 'Pirate Bay' and 'MegaUpload' have gone to prison for their troubles. So clearly, many millions of punters are robbing their entertainment via such facilities.
But should you fancy a piece of this action, take heed: file sharing only really delivers if a) you have a ton of patience b) you're not hoping to obtain something very obscure and c) you have no objection to breaking the law.
If you have a pressing urge to own the latest waxing from 'Swedish House Mafia' through a file-sharing system, then it will probably arrive rather sharpish. But, if your taste is more 'The Best Of Delta 5', good luck. If insufficient numbers of co-conspirators are offering the file, you'll be fortunate to be hearing 'Mind Your Own Business' this side of Christmas 2016.
Expect more of this kind of thing as it occurs to me.
Magnus Shaw is a copywriter, blogger and broadcaster
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