by Magnus Shaw
Earlier today I had a phone call. When you're a freelance working from home, these are exciting moments. Unfortunately it was a sales call, which took much of the excitement out of this specific moment. But I hadn't spoken to anyone since breakfast, so I played along. It was from Orange - my broadband provider. They want to be my telephone provider. So they ask me how much I pay monthly for my landline. I make a total guess at £20 (I'm like the anti-Martin Lewis, in that I haven't the faintest idea what anything is costing me, but £20 seems about right). The young fellow on the phone becomes quite animated, telling me Orange can do my phone and broadband for £23 per month. They'll also let me call any of my close friends (in reality, about five people) for free - as long as it is in the evening or at weekends. He's right, that would save me money. But I don't bite. What's more, I would never bite. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
I'm a grumpy old sod, there's no denying it. It's something to do with middle age and being really quite perplexed about the modern world. "You're always angry about something." says my mother. "There's so much to be angry about." says I. Anyway, being grumpy requires me to bear grudges. In the past, one or two people have behaved in such a reprehensible fashion that I have chosen to expel them, removing them from my life - but mostly my grudges are reserved for corporate and bureaucratic entities. The Family Tax Credit demons, on two occasions, acted with such incompetence, cowardice, spite and unfairness they reduced my wife to tears of frustration. This was more than enough to prompt me to write them an epic letter of damnation and change my vote. Similarly, when the Talk Talk guy stops me in my local town (where they appear to have a permanent encampment, in a perverse twist on the Occupy concept), I not only decline their advances, but take the time to explain how a flimsy grasp of their own technology and any notion of customer service once pushed a colleague close to bankruptcy.
And so it is with Orange. About five years ago, without warning, my internet connection died. I know digital equipment isn't infallible, so I expected the service to be restored within a few hours. But it wasn't. Two days later, it still wasn't. With no little trepidation I took to the phone in an attempt to resolve the matter. The process lasted six weeks. Obviously I wasn't on the phone for six weeks ( it just felt like it), but it was six weeks before I had a connection again. It was explained to me, in a championship-level patronising tone, that Orange had migrated a few thousand connections to a French server and mucked them all up in the process. There was a huge backlog and that was that. Could I have a precise re-connection date (after all my work depended on it)? No, I could not. And what is more, I shouldn't be using my connection for business as I only had a domestic package. Then could I have a MAC code (don't ask) to enable me to move to another provider? I could but, as the Orange mouthpiece told me with some pride, there would be no point as they had created a fault on the line while shipping my service to Normandy. How about a refund for the downtime? Not a chance. Read the small-print, pal. You have to pay us, even if we don't provide you with anything. I said I was 'pissed off'. They said they would put me on a blacklist of customers who had sworn aggressively at Orange staff. I gave up.
Discovering I could still activate a dial-up line (remember them?) - I limped on. One day a cheery bloke from engineering called. He's fixed my broadband. I tried it. He hasn't. He went away. Another day, he called again. He's fixed my broadband. I tried it. He hasn't. An hour later, probably out of sheer insanity, I tried the connection again. It worked - and has worked ever since.
Now, as I've admitted, I bear a grudge. So, unfortunately for the sales chap who called this afternoon, I will never accept any further products from Orange. They had their opportunity to show how much they value my custom five years ago. However, they opted to treat me with the contempt reserved for one-eyed, rabid sewer rats. Our commercial relationship is now permanently broken - and it's their fault.
In the time since this fraught and frankly, provocative exchange, I have received an endless stream of direct mail, emails and like today, phone calls from Orange pushing me at some deal or other. Infrequently, they seem to be selling something worthwhile, but their chance of snaring me is less than a Rolo in a furnace. Because I don't trust them. I don't trust them to deliver what they promise and I don't believe they care about me as a customer.
Now, I am not so pompous as to think my lonesome refusals make any sort of impression on Orange's bottom line. But I am absolutely certain the cumulative effect of their shabby treatment, measured across many users, has a substantial and negative impact on the success of their advertising. The point being, if you can't deliver the support and service you so enthusiastically bang on about in your marketing, you are largely wasting your money. People respond to advertisements, of course they do, but their reaction to the real experience of being a customer will always be greater. If you don't want consumers to bear a grudge against your brand, don't give them a reason to carry one.
Magnus Shaw is a copywriter, blogger and consultant.
Visit Magnus Shaw's website
www.creativepool.co.uk/magnusshaw
"ADVICE" a collection of Magnus Shaw's columns is now available as a Kindle book.
