Up until a month ago I'd never attended a networking group. In truth I didn't know much about them. I assumed that they were for geeks and braggers, for the totally incompetent and the mildly desperate, for people either short of friends or folk who just couldn't face another instalment of EastEnders.
And then I read on a blog somewhere that more and more people are going to these things, and they're great for meeting new clients and picking up new business. And even though I'm highly suspicious of anything that promises stuff like this, I started toying with the idea of maybe tagging along. Well, just to have a look see, and who knows, I might just bump into someone who has the budget for a new ad campaign or failing that, a brochure, a website, a bit of DM, or well, I dunno.
And wouldn't you just know it, a few days later I receive this message about a special one-off networking night that's happening in my area. Amazingly, it's for creative marketing people like me, and it's bound to be a success because, well, the last one was. And there's a good chance that proper clients will be in the house seeking out proper creative people and seating them down with a fat cigar to discuss exciting future projects. And best of all (and this was the clincher) it was free to attend.
So like a mug, I put my name down.
Now when it comes to stepping outdoors I have to admit to being a complete fish out of water. Put me in something called a town centre and very soon I'm lost. So to avoid the sheer embarrassment of asking strangers for directions, I usually carry some form of satellite navigation about my person.
Well on the occasion of the networking group, the satnav worked a dream. I arrived at the seedy hotel ten minutes early and rather than go straight in and be the first to arrive, I walked down the road a bit, hid behind a van, and stalked the front door.
From this vantage point I watched creative types enter the hotel - primed for a night of networking. They were a mix of male and female. Some young and some not. Some on their own, while others in groups of two and three. Interestingly, they all checked their phone handset before they stepped inside, I assumed they were looking to see if a message with the words FFS DON'T GO IN THERE had arrived in their inbox.
A few minutes later, I made my move and entered the hotel. In the lobby I noticed somebody had gone to the trouble of blu-tacking a sheet of paper to a wall and, with a top of the range biro, had enscribed the legend, 'Networking' along with a sad arrow. Entering the room I was greeted by a lady who grinned and pointed to regimented rows of name badges on the table. She grinned again while I hunted down my name, and once I plucked it from the table and stuck it into my shirt, she pointed to a small bar in the corner where various types were congregating.
I took a step forward and prepared myself to talk to someone. But who? Deftly I removed my smart phone from my pocket and with one eye fixed on my gmail account, I trained the other to scan the crowd.
Then quite quickly I received a tap on the shoulder. As I turned, I found a young guy smiling at me and he quickly said, 'Do I know you?' I replied, 'I don' think so' and we got talking. 'Why are you here?' I asked in a happy way. The young guy smiled and said he had his own business. 'Ah, what kind of business.' I enquired - warming to the subject. 'I have a corner shop, it's a newsagent that sells a few groceries,' he said. My mind started racing, I imagined he was after a local press campaign, maybe radio, some flyers etc. 'And you want to advertise this shop?' I enquired. 'No, I want to be a film director' he said.
I mingled about a bit, caught some of the various conversations and tried to identify who was client and who was creative. It wasn’t difficult. Most of the clients were standing in the corner of the room, thrusting forward with one foot on a chair, glasses topped to the brim, plates overloaded with finger food and pockets stuffed with business cards.
I approached one of them, (Head of Marketing so his badge said) who proceeded to engage me in conversation about, well I know not what, because he was too busy digesting a plate of chicken wings to be coherent.
Moving across the room, a businesswoman had a creative guy pinned against a wall. He was sweating like Gary Glitter in Toys'R'Us. 'I need some signage for my office canteen,' she laughed, 'Is that what you do?'
A few seconds later I turned and did a fast walk out the door. With the sound of strained laughter behind me and the whiff of BBQ chicken wings about me, I switched on the SatNav and promised to listen a bit harder to my instincts.
Sorry, but networking doesn't work for me.
John Fountain is a freelance copywriter
Follow @fountainjohn
