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Very telly. The best of 2014's new TV shows.

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As the Christmas schedule proved, telly in 2013 was a very hit and miss affair. On the one hand, we had the hilarious glory of 'Gogglebox'; on the other, the clunky scripts of Matt Smith's last days in 'Doctor Who'.

Still, we're a week into a new year and should be looking ahead. Which is why I'm pleased to present a personal guide to some of the TV highlights coming your way in 2014.

You Idiot! (BBC2)
Exciting new reality series. Gary Barlow and Greg Wallace hand contestants impossibly complex tasks which they must complete to ridiculously tight deadlines. When they fail, the singer and the greengrocer yell insults and criticism into the crumpled, blubbing faces of the participants. There is no winner.

Stay In The Car (ITV)
Crime thriller based on the investigations of a grizzled detective and his youthful rookie partner - from the point of view of the latter, who is never allowed to leave the car. Includes endlessly gripping scenes of a lad eating an orange, fiddling with the radio and looking at his phone.

Shouting Time (BBC1)
Question Time acquires a fresh format. Instead of Dimbleby's usual pleas for calm, panellists are now actively encouraged to scream their opinions at each other, in an ever-escalating spiral of cacophony, anger and barely concealed, vicious contempt.

Good And Local (ITV)
BBC Radio Mansfield's drivetime presenter, Bobby Good, anchors an hour of unbearably dull stories from your region. Expect people mowing lawns for charity, dogs having reasonably large litters, children refusing to speak due to shyness and the weather forecast for your street.

You've Been Detected (Channel 5)
Using cutting edge technology, viewers track the internet searches of an unaware member of the public, in real time. Hilarity guaranteed as a kitchen salesman from Leicester tries out some specialist, dark-web video sites before being exposed to the nation via his webcam.

International Football Playing (ITV)
All the action, as teams from cities of which you've never heard (possibly in Turkmenistan), run around and occasionally fall over, holding their legs. Commentary from men in expensive suits struggling to piece intelligible sentences together. Likely to be scheduled in place of something you actually wanted to see.

Extreme Homes Under The Hammer (BBC2)
Homeowners, struggling to meet their mortgage payments, gamble everything by auctioning their properties. If the house fails to make the asking price, a team of demolition workers with sledgehammers, steam into the building and reduce it to rubble within the hour.

Diss Is Rubbish (Channel 4)
Sitcom from the pen of Ben Elton. The bin collection service in the Norfolk town of Diss has been taken over by a private contractor. How will dustmen Bill, Eddie and Gideon cope with the new regime? In episode one of forty-six, everyone is surprised when curvaceous ex-model Donna joins the lads. Staggeringly unfunny.

Who Do You Think You Are Now? (Sky 1)
An almost forgotten celebrity, with a depressingly thin career, is placed in a locked room and monitored on CCTV as they work their way through a litre of Polish drinking spirit. Every fifteen minutes, Dermot O Leary pops his head round the door and asks them to say their name.

Ha! Look At Them (Channel 4)
Unnecessarily tasteless  documentary, following a production team from London as they visit a sink estate near Sunderland and poke their equipment at people on housing benefit. Inauthentic and patronising voice-over by that bloke who does Big Brother.

Happy viewing.

Magnus Shaw is a blogger, copywriter and consultant with a television.

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