For all its joys and thrills, fun and frolics, 2013 still managed to deposit a substantial quantity of manure into our desperate existence. So, as 2014 crashes unbidden into our lives, let us exorcise the demons which threatened to engulf us this year.
Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves for the 30 worst things about 2013.
1. McBusted: clearly not aimed at miserable, middle-aged writers – nevertheless, surely even those in their early teens can sense the reek of desperation surrounding this project. Charlie Busted certainly could.
2. Wonga: a service designed to capture the howling anxiety infecting the second decade of the 21st century, now deploys CGI old people to hammer home their fearful message.
3. Apple’s advertising: once the very definition of hip marketing, since the demise of Steve Jobs, the coolest brand on earth has inexplicably chosen to roll out campaigns more suited to trailers on the Hallmark channel.
4. The Daily Mail: no surprise, of course, that this whirlwind of righteous indignation, cancer scares and poorly concealed lechery, continues to spout unhinged hypocrisy – it’s the paper’s ongoing popularity that grinds at my mental health.
5. Boris: that joke isn’t funny anymore.
6. Trolling: should your faith in your fellow man be at an all time high, don’t forget to inspect the timelines of prominent women, or the bottom half of the internet, to ensure your unbridled optimism crashes like George Michael’s Range Rover.
7. The Wright Way: on the off-chance anyone had forgiven him for ‘We Will Rock You’, Ben Elton went to extraordinary efforts to further torpedo his reputation, with this truly hideous, massively unfunny stinker of a sitcom.
8. iPads as cameras: the beauty of modern tech, is the convenience – a camcorder is now the size of a fag packet and you can watch movies on a phone. So why, why, why would you use a laptop computer to take photos? Like using a car as a doorstop.
9. Poor quality spam: unwanted emails have always been a nuisance, but at least they used to be either amusing or excitingly treacherous. Now we’re just bombarded with poorly spelt, cut and paste garbage which wouldn’t fool a gerbil.
10. Katie Hopkins: it’s not the pre-scripted extremist views – they are obviously there for pantomime villain purposes. No, it’s the willingness of lazy producers to buy into her egomaniacal garbage which is so depressing.
11. Customer service: from grasping energy companies offering disconnected customers nothing more than a recorded message, to airlines closing their desks while stranded travellers sleep on the floor, we are now so accustomed to being treated like worthless dolts, we just suck up the contempt.
12. Five Live Drive time-checks: Radio Five Live’s early evening show offers a lively and useful summary of the day’s top stories. Unfortunately, it also tells you the time at thirty second intervals. Once you’re aware of it, the habit drives you into a slow, savage meltdown.
13. The ‘So’ prefix: my efforts to track down the PR specialist teaching politicians, business leaders, celebrities and experts to start every answer with ‘So …’ have come to nothing. Which is a shame, because I’d like to wrestle him to the ground.
14. America and guns: I would just urge those trans-Atlantic cousins who believe they have a cohesive argument for the widespread ownership of firearms, to consider Alex Jones’ contribution to Piers Morgan’s CNN debate. People – this man is your spokesperson.
15. Doctor Who scripts: the masterful (ha!) casting of Peter Capaldi notwithstanding, the plots and dialogue of this deservedly flagship show appear to have turned to a pretentious, inauthentic mush this year. Prompt remedial action required.
16. The Syrian crisis: while nothing I can say could do justice to this horrifically cruel and unnecessary disaster, the sense of impotence and futility still hangs like a spectre over all right-minded human beings. And no end in sight.
17. The price of a cuppa: just because swanky outlets have somehow managed to justify charging four quid for frothy, steaming coffee, they’ll never convince me a tea bag and a cup of hot water should cost two pounds. Rail companies and airlines are at it too.
18. Moving about in theatres: whether one is watching a band or a movie, it is now acceptable practice to mooch off for a pee, drink or snack within minutes of the performance starting. Well, not with me it isn’t.
19. Public Wi-Fi: is it free? Does it work? What’s the password? Is it secure? Is it compatible? In truth, until we have universal, reliable, flat-rate Wi-Fi in every corner of the nation, we will be commercially hobbled. Think on.
20. HS2: would you like to arrive in London 17 minutes sooner? Yes please. Would you like to pay seven billion pounds for that? No thanks.
21. Football: once this oddly uncreative activity merely bored and confounded me. Now, increasingly, it appalls me. This won’t end well.
22. James Arthur: career on the skids within months of launch, thanks to a pathetically surly attitude and a penchant for aggressively homophobic tweeting. See you then, Jimbo.
23. Faux Mandela grief: naturally we were all somewhat moved by the death of Nelson Mandela; but to see folks who were rather too keen on the Botha regime thirty years ago, over-emoting all over the telly while calling the man ‘Madiba’ was pretty hard to stomach.
24. PMQs: how many times must we inform those who aspire to represent us in Parliament, that we do not wish to hear them hooting and bellowing on a Wednesday afternoon, before they believe us?
25. Selfies: Rubbish name for an utterly pointless activity. Have a word with yourself(ie).
26. Facebook: I genuinely tried to get a handle on the king of social media this year. Still don’t understand what I’m supposed to do, other than politely ignore people with whom I was at school.
27. Onesies: a briefly amusing combination of fancy-dress and pyjamas now completely out of hand as people wear them to the supermarket.
28. Policing the internet: as soon as a senior cop or minister manages to give me an adequate description of the ‘deep web’, I’ll be the first to get behind their campaigns.
29. ‘Keep Calm and …’: never has a trend produced so many executions, without a solitary spark of wit, invention or joy.
30. Robin Thicke: popular music is no stranger to sexual suggestiveness, but apologists for rape can’t return to the wretched pit from which they emerged quickly enough for me.
Happy New Year, everybody.
Magnus Shaw is a blogger, copywriter and consultant
