Christmas Eve is finally here and I'm feeling festive. Well, actually, I was feeling festive a while ago because I've been doing an awful lot of carol singing throughout December. Not that I'm bragging but, for the most part, these carol concerts took place either at the Royal Albert Hall (with the Philharmonia Orchestra on one occasion, and with Katherine Jenkins and a plethora of sparkly dresses on another), or at swanky manor houses or barristers' chambers parties to Champagne guzzling guests. It's a nice hobby to have, being a choral singer.
One of my favourite carols, I have to say, is The 12 Days of Christmas. Naming how many of who or what were doing such and such often comes up as one of those Christmas quizzes the nation and their auntie ends up playing after polishing off the Christmas pud. I've sung it countless times and I still struggle to remember the order.
Ah, Christmas. Gotta love it, haven't you? Even if you are an atheist. Or a wishy-washy 'just in case' agnostic...
The other day, however, a friend of mine told me over a drink that his office had really sucked all the spirit out of Christmas for him and his work colleagues. Apparently the office manager told him to remove the tinsel from around his computer screen. Fire hazard, they said. Bah, humbug.
So that got me thinking about the ramifications of the aforementioned 12 Days of Christmas. Quite frankly, they'd never get that list past Health and Safety. In fact, it is sooo dangerous and inappropriate that we might as well ban the carol right now. Allow me to illustrate:
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me:
Twelve drummers drumming
Although some people wake up quite early on Christmas morning (excitable children and busy adults getting the turkey ready for a three-hour sunbed in the oven) a lot of us have been working right up to Christmas Eve and would welcome the lay-in. So any number of drummers drumming so early, and especially twelve of them, will likely see them appearing before a magistrate before the year is out and before they can say 'rim shot'. May we recommend those electronic Casio drum kits with headphones?
Eleven pipers piping
Ah, sorry, can't have that either. Similar to the above, but also we're a bit worried that they might trip as they cross the threshold and cause themselves a nasty oesophagus-related injury. Also, eleven of one instrument is a bit excessive. Just saying.
Ten lords a-leaping
We live in a Victorian conversion. As such, we cannot guarantee that our floors can withstand even my lardy backside bopping along to a fitness DVD, let alone ten wobbly peers leaping around all over the place. My neighbours will be at the door complaining before you can say 'figgy pudding'.
Nine ladies dancing
Ooooh, a little bit sexist, maybe? Can't imagine my wife wanting to watch an all-girl troupe unless it happened to be a special feature on Strictly.
Eight maids a-milking
What? In my flat?! Get your damn cows out of here! Nutter!
Seven swans a-swimming
Unless the person giving the gift is the Queen, which is highly unlikely, then this is illegal and a prosecutable offence. Plus my bath is too small. Strange as it seems, I don't own a massive country estate with a lake and although admittedly I've always thought I'm the sort of toff that ought to.
Six geese a-laying
In principle, we don't mind this one. But I would question why it needs to be geese and not chickens. Plus my garden is pretty small and I wouldn't want to run the risk of accidental battery farming.
Five gold rings
About time; a decent present. We'll take them, thank you. (But we reserve the right to take them along to the foyer of Sainsburys to get them weighed by 'Cash For Gold' to see if they're genuine or not.)
Four calling birds
We would like to remind bird gifters that calling should be kept to a moderate volume and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Three French hens
If English ones are not good enough, Ed Miliband requests that the hens all cluck in English in order to integrate better into society. We also require them to be properly inoculated to prevent the spread of avian flu.
Two turtle doves
Wouldn't happen, sorry. Turtle doves don't inhabit Europe beyond September and then they migrate south for the winter. So if they were presented as a gift in December, this suggests that they must have been kept captive. Unless you own an aviary, a pet shop, or you own a proper permit, this is against the law.
And a partridge in a pear tree
More birds? So do you, in fact, own an aviary or something? But hang on, you've dug up a pear tree and attached a partridge to it? You would have had to, otherwise it would have flown away. I'm calling the RSPCA.
Merry Christmas!
by Ashley Morrison
Ashley is a blogger, copywriter and editor.
Follow me on Twitter @Ashley_Morrison
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www.creativepool.co.uk/ashleymorrison
