I don't know whether it's because I'm a writer, but when I watch a movie, the script and screenplay always take my attention. A great concept with a terrible script can really spoil things; likewise a thumping good screenplay can lift an average movie to something special. Unfortunately the latter scenario is a rarity in this age of follow-ups, adaptations and reboots. What's more, I can't help noticing a few devices cropping up time and again.
Presumably, Hollywood's well-rewarded writers figure we won't notice if they use the same script-tickling tricks whenever they fancy knocking off early. Well we do - and here's the evidence:
The “Y’know, when I was little” speech
Usually appears mid-way through the narrative arc, when one character needs to teach another, more vulnerable character a quick life lesson. This is always a morality tale which takes some innocent childhood experience and uses it to reflect the moral dilemma created by the plot, thereby encouraging someone to ‘do the right thing’.
[See: Pretty Woman, While You Were Sleeping etc.]
Staring at the phone
Always occurs when intolerably bad news has been conveyed down the line. The recipient of the call will take the receiver away from their head, and gaze at the plastic, sometimes forcing some onion tears into their eyes. I've often wondered exactly what they're expecting to see there.
[See: Phone Booth, Dying Young etc.]
"I can't help noticing a few devices cropping up time and again."
The gratuitous onlooker
This fellow crops up when the plot demands someone is horribly violated or assaulted, but showing the offending scene would push the rating up to an 18 certificate. At the critical moment, the camera cuts away from the attack to reveal a cohort of the assailant, bloodlust in his or her eyes, probably swigging from a booze bottle and grinning cruelly.
[See: Twilight, Interview With The Vampire, American History X]
The less attractive sidekick
This is screenplay law: the star must never be upstaged by his or her companion. Romantic comedies are the worst offenders here. You'll notice the female lead often has a close pal or sister, who’s reliable and big hearted but plain and unsexy. Meanwhile, the male’s sidekick is usually a bit of a goof, quite funny and not remotely handsome.
[See: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, The Wedding Planner, Hitch.]
The quip
“Yippee kayay, m**herfucker!”. There’s one. “That was getting boring.” There’s another. We should really blame Bond, James Bond who is completely incapable of slaying a foreign thug without insulting their memory with a weary joke about the manner of their death. Okay, not so much Daniel Craig's style, but all the others.
[See: Live And Let Die, Die Hard, Bad Boys]
Telling not doing
The devious and conspiratorial intentions of the villain have the habit of eventually failing at the picture's end. But before that happens, we usually go through a scene where, having captured the hero/heroine, instead of actually shooting them stone dead, the choose to describe exactly what they’re going to do and how they will execute their dastardly plan. Thereby providing time for the hero/heroine to save themselves or be saved. Idiots.
[See: Well, all the Bond movies again, realyl, Indiana Jones flicks, Die Hard sequels]
Sarcastic handclaps
The leading man or lady performs some sort of minor heroic act, to the delight of the audience. This is witnessed by the baddie appearing from the shadows, who delivers the slow, sarcastic handclap. This is handy for suggesting a mood of insane cynicism, without the need for any clever dialogue.
[See: The Dark Knight, The Breakfast Club, Primal Fear]
Beautiful heroine is a bit of a klutz
She’s stunningly attractive (unlike her best buddy, remember) but in the process of winning the adoration of the male lead, we are required to see her tripping over the cat, spilling coffee down her best sweater, getting her coat trapped in the taxi door – that sort of thing. This tells us she looks a million dollars and is guaranteed to bag the man of her dreams, but is still vulnerable in a harmless, cutesy way.
[See: French Kiss, While You Were Sleeping, many Sandra Bullock flicks.]
“Not again!”
And in one fell swoop, the flimsy premise for the sequel is captured and excused by the lead character from the first one. They say it so we don’t have to.
[See: All the Nightmare On Elm Street series, any film with a number in the title - except Richard 111 and 10 Rillington Place]
Magnus Shaw is a copywriter, blogger and consultant
Ashley Morrison May 6th, 2014, late afternoon
Two more for you, Magnus:"This is it!" shouted by the hero to his co-hero when something life or deathy is about to happen (and is never deathy for the heroes).
"SonofaBITCH!" When something life or deathy happens and isn't deathy, and they still have enough breath to pass a comment about it.
To see the best faux-pithy remarks, of course, you need to refer to the genius of Mike Myers and Austin Powers....