Like many other people, the first email to pop into my inbox each morning is from Groupon, offering me a wealth of hot stone massages, teeth whitening, stately home breaks and exotic cuisines for a fraction of their normal prices. I often sleepily scroll through the deals, thinking that one day I will splash out on some invisible braces, but not today, but now there is a new motive to my early morning scrolling, and that's to see what brain burps Groupon's bonkers copywriter has managed to come up with that day.
I am not sure if this is one person or a team, a male or a female, or even if they are only particular to the North London mailout but the ramblings of this clearly overqualified and creatively stifled brain are enough to make me crack a smile even on the most miserable of mornings.
To share the wealth with you all I have chosen the best snippets from today's email for you to ponder. I have decided to sort each deal intro into a category, we have DAD JOKES, TEDIOUS LINKS and DOWNRIGHT BIZARRE.
Behold.
TEDIOUS LINKS
It must be a tough job. You've been given your 200th massage deal to write a piece of original copy on, so avoiding all the usual cliched language you follow a strange route along your brain and then link it back to the brief.
For example:
All acronyms stand for something, and BBQ stands for meat to be cooked on. Learn the meaning of YUM with today's BBQ Groupon deal distributed by ebeez.co.uk.
Belts come in handy for keeping up trousers, storing DIY tools, and turning zeros into eights. Tighten up around the middle with today's Groupon: £29 for a Beurer Abdominal Toning Belt distributed by Chemist-4-U.
An afternoon tea is best enjoyed after a morning spent reciting the first 19 letters of the alphabet. Get luxury to the letter with today's Groupon: £24 for afternoon tea for two with cocktails, sweets, and savouries at Tophams Hotel.
THE DOWNRIGHT BIZARRE
Proof that this person is a little wasted in their current role and should perhaps take up a career writing Sci-Fi adventure stories.
While helping hair look its best, highlights are most useful for guiding lost space craft back to earth. Find landmark style with today's Groupon: £45 for a half head of highlights or full head colour with cut, finish and keratase treatment at Leticia Haute Coiffure.
Films can show an insight into the human psyche, the intricacies of relationships, and how dogs can be relied upon to point out baddies by barking at them. Teach your TV new tricks with today's Groupon: £6 for DVD rental and unlimited instant streaming for three months from LOVEFiLM.
Careless whispers not only spread rumours but accidently knock over the flower vase on their way out. Tidy up oral behaviour with today's Groupon: £1739 for clear Invisalign braces for top and bottom arches at Fleet Street Dental Centre.
Though sculpting someone's body is always hard, the hardest part is definitely the stone it's sculpted from. Refine your body's contours with today's Groupon from Ginsen. Choose from the following options:
Sock puppet beauticians often deal with knitted brows, patchy complexions, and over-dangly button eyes. Target troublesome threads with today's Groupon: £99 for thread vein treatment on up to four areas of choice at Vagheggi Academy.
THE DAD JOKES
I'd bet a pound to a penny that this person is a Dad, or maybe someone who has a Dad who comes out with diamonds like these:
Getting out of the wrong side of the bed can often put you in a bad mood, particularly if your bed is against the wall. Get it right with today's Groupon distributed by UK-Bedding. Choose from the following options:
When generous restaurateurs offer meals on the house, it's always wise to check there's no roof-climbing required. Scale the heights of culinary pleasure with today's Groupon from Shaka Zulu. Choose from the following options:
Follicular transplants are often sought out by thrill seekers, who just can't get enough of hairy situations. Load up your locks with today's Groupon from London Hair Transplant Clinic.
Jackets keep bodies warm, sleeves under the collar, and potatoes baking fresh. Chip in for a smoking look with today's groupon: £66 for a Baracuta G9 Slimfit Harrington Jacket from Suit Direct.
Boom boom. It kills me, it really does. And this is just one email from today, just the tip of the iceberg.
So there we have it, if that's not enough to get you to move to North London and subscribe to Groupon then I don't know what hope there is. Perhaps Groupon have realised that Copywriter man/woman is the secret to getting people to open emails. I should like to meet this person and find out more about their remarkable brain.
Jessica Hazel
Writer, blogger and director of Smoking Gun Vintage
http://creativepool.co.uk/jessicahazel
