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What would ITV's schedule look like if it went up-market?

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Good Morning Britain 6:00am – 8:30am
Suzanna Reid talks to Alan Yentob about his new beard. Meanwhile Simon Schama and Andi Peters drop into the International Symposium On Medieval Folk History in Bruges for more spins of the Wheel of Cash.

Lorraine 8:30am – 9:25am
Badal Sircar joins Lorraine Kelly on the sofa to chat about his theoretical paper ‘Experiments Towards Decolonisation’, and then hooks-up with Gino Di Campo in the kitchen to make raspberry vol-a-vents.

"Philip’s on the terrace barbequing spicy chicken wings for Edward Shevardnadze."

The Jeremy Kyle Show 9:25am – 10:30am
Anger and bitter recrimination as Jeremy subjects Richard Fenwick, Professor of Particle Physics at Queens’ College to the lie detector in attempt to nail the truth about string theory. Graham is waiting backstage.

This Morning 10:30am – 11:25am
Iran’s Foreign Minister, Mohammad Javad Zarif, and Holly Willoughby have a natter about nuclear proliferation. Philip’s on the terrace barbequing  spicy chicken wings for Edward Shevardnadze, plus soap gossip with Henry Kissinger.

Loose Women 12:30pm – 1:30pm
Germaine Greer stops by to explore the implications of political emasculation. Twenty minutes of cackling when someone on the panel says ‘willy’.

ITV News & Weather 1:30pm – 2:00pm
With Little Mix.

Dickinson’s Real Deal 3:00pm – 4:00pm
In today’s show, ‘The Duke’ brings his leathery negotiating skills to ACAS headquarters, as he chairs a crucial showdown between the Railway, Maritime and Transport Union and a delegation from the Department For Transport.

Ejector Seat 4:00pm – 5:00pm
The destiny of four NATO fighter jet pilots flying low over Luxembourg lies in the hands of a traffic warden from Swindon answering questions on 16th century Japanese ceramics.

The Paul O’Grady Show 5:00pm – 6:00pm
The chirpy Liverpudlian reads viewers’ texts, gives away a big cash prize and discusses the inherent flaws in contemporary modes of dualism in a post-capital reality. With his small dog.

ITV Evening News & Weather 6:00pm – 6:30pm
With The Saturdays.

Emmerdale 7:00pm – 7:30pm
Vladimir and Estragon are furious to find Godot drunk in the Woolpack.

You’ve Been Framed! 7:30pm – 8:00pm
Hilarious home videos, including the best man who confused Michael and Susan Fassbender, and a squirrel falling off a trampoline.

Coronation Street 8:00pm – 8:30pm
Norris hosts a Zen meditation centre in Emily’s loft where Roy is first to achieve Nirvana. And the police continue to search for the missing well into the night.

Tonight 8:30pm – 9:30pm
An in-depth special investigation into the soaring cost of organic leeks in Highgate. With James Arthur.

Film 9:30pm – 11:30pm
The Battleship Potemkin (Sergei Eisenstein, 1925). Monochrome Russian classic, with a new soundtrack written and recorded by McBusted.

Jackpot 24/7 11:30pm – 06:00am
In a special edition, an intern from The Royal Opera House, fired up on Vodka Red Bulls and felafel, sticks next year’s Arts Council grant on 18 red.  Tense.

Magnus Shaw is a blogger, copywriter and consultant.

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