by Jessica Hazel.
The ways in which certain human beings decide to waste their lives away never ceases to amaze and appall me. The age of smart phones and no-so-smart apps for their not-so-smart users has opened up a doorway into a universe of infinite time-wasting opportunities.
Earlier this year, One Poll curated a survey to find the most useless apps ever created. A team of specialists scoured the internet for the most infuriatingly useless apps ever dreamt up and set them before a panel of 2,000 users for a shortlist to be drawn up. Here are the results...
1. Virtual Candle
This made the top of the useless charts. There is nothing like the glow of a fake candle from your iphone to add a certain romance to your dinner date.
2. Pocket Whip
Woopah! Very useful for re-creating your favourite Spaghetti Western moments.
3. You are Rich
Apparently all you need to look rich is a shiny gem as your screensaver, phew!
4. Goggle Eyes
For anyone who ever wanted to be stared at by a big monkey.
5. Sim Stapler
Does what it says on the tin - simulates a stapler.
6. Belly Jam
Poke a man in the belly to make him make funny noises.
7. Hold On!
Perhaps the most exquisite waste of time ever created. Just hold the button for as long as you can. I shudder to think what the record is.
Undo and do up zips. For all of those zip fetishes out there.
9. Man Poke
Poke this man as repeatedly and as violently as you desire with no visual effects.
10. Milk the Cow
Self explanatory really.
11. Toasted Marshmallow
All the chore of toasting a marshmallow without the reward of getting to eat it afterwards.
12. Shave Me
For those who are challenged in the beard department.
13. Screen Cleaner
So cute, so disgusting.
14. Sound Grenade
Emits a high screeching sound, very useful for gaining instant hatred from those around you.
15. Will You?
Takes the hassle out of proposing.
16. Fire Fingers
Oooh flames from the tips of your fingers.
17. Police Siren
Or just move to South London...
18. Big Red Button
Not sure what happens when you press the big red button but it is presumably utterly pointless.
19. Taxi Hold 'Em
What's wrong with the old fashioned thumbs-up?
20. Cake Fun
Bake a cake and decorate it, or do it in real life instead.
Apparently the average person has 20 apps on their phone but only finds a quater of them useful enough to use daily. If you are the owner of any of the above apps for goodness sake delete them now and go and get a life.