by Magnus Shaw.
Very little is certain in this life, but the mad rush of predictions for the year ahead is a rock on which we can depend in the awkward gap between Christmas and New Year. Unfortunately, most of them will be wildly inaccurate - with the sole exception of this Creativepool column. So you can be sure our soothsaying is of the highest quality and look forward to the following events coming to pass in 2013*.
1. A new tablet device - 'The iMonster' - fails to find a market. Experts blame the 52" inch plasma screen. Also, still incompatible with Adobe Flash.
2. Despite lowering his fee to a bottle of Irn Bru and some Twiglets, Brad Pitt still can't get an advertising gig. The 'Chanel effect' thought to be responsible.
3. Rail operators begin to surcharge anyone emitting a solitary sound from the cans of their insanely big headphones. A surprisingly high level of public support ensures the scheme's success.
4. The new press regulator triumphs in the annual 'Old Press Regulator Lookalike Competition' beating the Press Complaints Commission into second place.
5. One Direction's career tanks when their mums insist they iron their own clothes and start doing a bit more round the house. 'Awwwwwww!!! That's so unfair!!!' say the band in an official statement.
6. Downton Abbey Â introduces a gambling tie-in as Julian Fellowes decides to kill a major character every episode and run a sweepstake in the ad breaks.
7. The dead are criticised by the government for 'never opening their curtains' and general idleness. Backed by the Daily Mail, corpses are exhumed and the fresher ones made to staff the tills at Tesco.
8. Peter Jackson reveals he intends to adapt the health warning on a pack of ciggies as a five part movie franchise. New Zealand ciggies, naturally.
9. The Skyfall sequel does well. Which is surprising as the unusual plot involves Bond searching for a contraceptive for his Plasticine pal. Its title - 'Condom Of Wallace'.
10. Bono retires from saving the world. Starts saving tokens off the back of cereal packets.
11. In a volte-face which frankly astonishes everyone, the church agrees to marry same-sex female bishops.
12. A football match proceeds for the full ninety minutes without a single player lavishing a vicious physical, verbal or racial assault on another. All tickets are refunded.
13. Floods. Probably.
14. Spontaneous celebrations break out as bloke on train enjoys T-Mobile signal lasting almost eighteen seconds.
15. Terrestrial black hole forms as Celebrity Big Brother House falls into dignity vacuum.
16. Unease at the BBC as Ashleigh and Pudsey anchor new-look Newsnight.
17. Piers Morgan named as pilot on solo mission to Mars. Morgan isn't consulted.
18. 'News At Ten' box set selling well in run up to Christmas. Inclusion of Alistair Stewart 'letting one go' sequence proves particularly popular.
19. Widely disliked famous person is praised and adored on the occasion of his/her death by people who didn't know him/her.
20. Hundreds of websites make thousands of predictions as to what will happen in 2014. They all prove to be horribly wrong. Except, of course, Creativepool.
Happy New Year
* May not actually happen. Predictions believed at reader's own risk. Batteries not included.