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The name's Bont. Jace Bunt.

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There can be few things more cringey than a big corporation “trying to be yer mate”. (I'm taking the whole dads-dancing-at-weddings thing as read, obviously.) And yet, time and time again, they try to make out that they value me, you and Janet next door above their profit margins. All this “personal” this and “tailored to your needs” that – they know it's all baloney. The thing is, we know it's all baloney too – and they know we know it's all baloney. And we know they know we know it's all baloney.

So why bother?

The two organisations which impact my life as consumer the most by trying to be all matey are Starbucks and Coca-Cola. Your name on the cup for the former, and “share a Coke with” [name] for the latter.

I remember when the email from Starbucks first landed in my inbox, I thought it was a bad idea even then, before the communal eye rolling:

"Have you noticed how everything seems a little impersonal nowadays?" they asked with a sideways smile and a sigh. "We've all become user names, reference numbers and IP addresses. From now on, we won't refer to you as a 'latte' or a 'mocha', but instead as your folks intended: by your name."

Right... Except that you won't, will you? Not unless my name is John, Dan, James or Andy. Any name not in your immediate sphere of knowledge (which, if you're from foreign climes, might be very different to mine) is likely to be spelt incorrectly. Sometimes it's not even close.

I don't think I'm wrong in stating that if someone gets your name wrong (not necessarily in writing, but generally) then at least a small part of you feels slightly aggrieved. Because you are YOU and not somebody else. So that does rather beg the question of why a corporation would seemingly set themselves up for a fall on purpose. Didn't they think it through?

I mean, OK, I can vaguely see the point in the case of Starbucks. When they shout that a latte is ready and ten people all leap for it at once – then yes, there has to be a system to work out who owns the ruddy thing. Can I suggest a number system? I doubt people will be outraged by shouts of “21!”

A quick poll on Facebook revealed that not ONE person liked the idea of names on cups, for the simple reason that the baristas always got their name wrong. The other day, I was served by someone who I assume loved kung-fu films; my cup came back marked with Ash Lee. To be fair, that's the closest it's ever been to being right. By comparison, I have no idea what frame of reference this interpretation came from either: Haschleigh. Wow – nothing like making life more complicated than it needs to be, eh?

So referring to my Facebook poll, Tess has often felt left out in the past. “My siblings James, Robert and Helen were always able to get things with their names on but Tess never featured anywhere except on badges at Thorpe Park where they always had a bigger variety of things,” she says. “I'm quite used to being missed out (or called Theresa by accident) but it would be nice one day if one brand decided to think outside the box slightly and cater for the minority.”

Mark (although he arguably has a rather easy name to spell!) makes a hobby out of being annoying rather than annoyed: “There is sport in giving fake names in Starbucks, Bart Simpson-style. Mostly Mr Costa, or Mr Nes Cafe. It is utterly hateful and makes me go to Pret.” Mabel's mum does the same, causing “hours of hilarity”.

My friend Rylan keeps posting photos on Facebook with the latest comedy Starbucks errors. Even the rise of weepy Rylan Clark on The X Factor hasn't helped the poor chap's chances of baristas getting his name right. Here are two of his pics. Ricen – disconcertingly close to the highly poisonous Ricin, so not much of a compliment there; and what looks like a variation of Villain. Hm...

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As for Coca-Cola, although Anthony did get some modicum of enjoyment when finding a bottle in Paris recently with “partagez un Coca-Cola avec Thibault” on it, he hates the whole matey approach as much as anyone else. Jill and Melanie (hardly rare names) are yet to find their own personalised bottles – in spite of Melanie finding Katarizyna in deepest Hertfordshire.

As for me, with my slightly uncommon name, my experience is much the same as those above with a similar “affliction”. With a brother named Andrew, the possibilities for personalised items was always heavily weighted in his favour – which admittedly did make finding an Ashley-branded bookmark at the seaside all the more enjoyable, I suppose. So when we were on holiday in Cornwall a few weeks ago and my wife (Marjana – neither Starbucks nor Coke stand a chance with that one, but we'll let them off!) found a bottle of full-fat Coke with Ashley on it, she bought it for me. It didn't really matter that I would never drink full-fat Coke on its own; it remains unopened to this day. But I might crack it open one night when I fancy a whisky after being called Eshri at Starbucks...again...

And just to finish off, this is possibly the best comment I've found about someone's response when asked for their name in Starbucks:

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius; father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife; and I will have my skinny latte with an extra shot, in this life or the next!”

I don't know what the barista put on the cup...

by Ashley Morrison

Ashley is a blogger, copywriter and editor

Follow me on Twitter

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