Mussel meat
A leading discount frozen food company is selling bags of 'mussel meat'. I may be wrong, but I suspect these are the unfortunate shellfish deemed too manky to be sold whole, and are therefore mushed up and flogged in a heaving mass. Good luck with a marketing campaign for that. And indeed, recovering from a meal made from such a concoction. I'm no chef, but I believe some foodstuffs can easily be scrimped upon - peanuts for instance. But cheap, frozen mussels welded together in a biomass heap just comes over as the perfect recipe for spectacular digestive illness. That's not a proposition I'd care to work with.
Tesco Bank
I've just checked and am amazed to find that Tesco Bank is still a thing. This, of course, is a remnant of those heady days when Tesco ruled the world, and branched out into everything from mobile phone networks to tablet computers. The trouble is, they are now known to have been rubbish at managing their own money, let alone anyone else's. Guessing at profits, pulling the wool over the eyes of investors and failing to spot the rise and rise of the budget outlets - they'd seem to be the last people you'd want in charge of any sort of financial institution. And yet, they continue to operate a bank. Successfully pitch that in an ad, and you'll really be earning your dough.
Windows Ten
There's considerable conjecture as to why Microsoft has decided to leapfrog the number nine, and go straight for ten. Apparently it's something to do with a piece of code which already uses the phrase 'Windows 9' - although that seems terribly tenuous. Anyway, the name and number isn't the problem. No, the problem is that almost nobody wants another version of Windows. Each time Microsoft updates its operating system, they magically make it worse. I know several people clinging desperately to their copies of XP, because they know everything thereafter is poorer. Unfortunately, some poor soul will be tasked with building a campaign to convince users they need a piece of kit that will inevitably drive them nuts. I trust that won't be me.
Wonga
Everything we suspected turned out to be true. The leading player in the 'payday loan' market was ramping up repayments, leaning heavily on borrowers, and even inventing debt recovery lawyers to chase the hapless souls who owed them cash. As soon as the horror stories hit the headlines, those rather scary 'old people' puppets vanished from our tellies and nothing has replaced them. Eventually, Wonga will have to pitch into the fray with some new ads, if they are to avoid losing their business (a good few players are still out there, happily advertising those enormous percentage rates). The job of turning round an understandably low public opinion might be lucrative, but it isn't one I'd relish.
Ask Jeeves
While I don't think I've ever seen an ad for Yahoo (at least not in the UK), I do recall a campaign for Ask Jeeves when the search engine launched. There was also one for Bing, I believe. Since then we've seen Ask Jeeves become Ask and then somehow both, so the brand is all over the place. However, there's a greater challenge here. Essentially a new ad would be inviting internet users to use the service by typing keywords or phrases into a box. Or, in other words, to 'google' for something. The thought of having to position AJ against such a clear, market-trashing behemoth makes my head hurt. I suppose one could always use the strapline 'At least we pay our taxes.' That could work. Send it my way.
Magnus Shaw is a blogger and copywriter
