In the early days of television, a journalist asked the British Prime Minister whether he had anything he wanted to say to the nation. Eden paused for a moment, then said - "No."
This exchange has passed into history as an example of a considerably more deferential time, and a vaguely daft era when politicians and public figures saw no reason to explain themselves. It does indeed, seem remarkable now. But in a world packed with 24 hour rolling news stations, social platforms and (ahem) opinionated bloggers, such a simple response would occasionally be welcome.
With this in mind, please allow me to introduce a rough guide to the modern media language currently seeping into our collective consciousness and driving us gently round the twist.
"Going forward ..."
Hardly an hour passes on radio and television without some talking head resorting to this meaningless phrase. It is usually deployed when somebody very important is attempting to explain why a situation of hopeless failure should be forgotten, and that everything will be wonderful in the future. Unfortunately it fails to provide an iota of reassurance, as we are all unavoidably 'moving forward'. With the exception of Doctor Who, that is the nature of our journey through time.
"But first let me say ..."
A favourite of the political class, this is the interviewee's 'get out of jail free' card. Massively disingenuous, it suggests the user will be giving a full and frank answer in a matter of moments. Of course, they won't. What they are actually intending to do, is ignore the query posed by the interviewer in favour of some pre-prepared old nonsense, approved by their superior or worse, a PR wonk feeding them lines a few hours before they appeared.
"I'm glad you asked me that."
I'm not. In fact, I wish you were on the other side of the world, interviewing somebody else, about something else. And actually, did you not get an email from my agent / assistant / publicist telling you not to mention the thing you just mentioned? What I'd really like to do is wrestle you to the floor and twist your nose off. However, as that would make me less popular than a sausage at a vegan buffet, I will pretend I am delighted to address your point.
"It's not rocket science."
As far as I recall, I've never undertaken any rocket science (I assume Bonfire Night duties don't count) but this cliché suggests it is the most complicated subject ever devised. Leaving aside the notion that quantum physics may well be more perplexing, here's a clause used when an individual wishes to emphasise the inspiring straightforwardness and clarity of their opinion. But can't actually demonstrate it by simply expressing the idea. It also carries something of a derogatory snort, as much as to say 'Are you so stupid you cannot see how fabulously correct I am?'
"There's still a lot of work to do."
Yes. Yes there is. And you know why? Because you've singularly failed to even begin the task for which you have responsibility. This is the ideal rejoinder when confronted with facts revealing you to be at the helm of a project in disarray, because it repositions you as someone at the centre of a herculean effort to make the world hunky dory. Usefully, it sounds as though your strategy needs nothing more than more time and money before it delivers wonderful salvation. Rather than, for instance, repeatedly falling flat on its face until someone has the good grace to end it.
"So ..."
Just to be clear, there is nothing wrong with the word 'so'. I often use it myself. Nevertheless, a dreadful tendency has arisen which sees everyone from scientists to educators, ministers to doctors, starting every answer with it. This is a very recent phenomenon, leading me to suspect it is the brainchild of some terrible media coach, but that is nothing I've been able to prove. Perhaps one high-profile face adopted the habit and it just spread like a nasty rash. Either way, it appears that otherwise smart people have decided this tiny word, inserted at the front of a response, instantly lends it gravitas. Regardless of the gobbledegook that follows, the 'so' prefix is an attempt to say 'I have a rigorous explanation and you're about to hear it'.
"Mr. Shaw, do you imagine these ridiculous shenanigans will ever come to an end?"
"No."
Magnus Shaw is a blogger, copywriter and consultant
Nick December 17th, 2013, around noon
You can't actually move forward until you've drawn a line under it.