by Magnus Shaw
Advertising is accused of many sins, but the greatest - or at least the most frequently mentioned - is the industry's habit of selling a supine populace an endless stream of products it neither wants or needs. Now, "endless stream" is pushing it a bit to be honest, but if we are in a confessional mood we would have to admit that, from time to time, we have launched some rather sizeable white elephants on unsuspecting audiences. These for instance:
10. Bottled Water
Perrier. They started all this. In the eighties - the decade when extravagant baubles and ostentatious overspending were the mark of greatness - what better way could there be to flaunt one's wealth than to pay cash money for a substance freely available from any tap? The bottled elixir was, of course, supposed to come from rare mountain springs, bubbling with minerals, but when drunk side by side with the piped stuff there was, and is, no discernable difference. Let's face it, for all these years we haven't been buying the liquid, we've been buying the bottles.
9. Vitamins
So successfully have those white plastic tubs, full of orange flavoured pills, been marketed, they are now part of every meal in many households. These life-enhancing tablets even support entire retail chains. But here's the thing. Examine any objective and peer-reviewed medical study into vitamin supplements and you'll find they are utterley superflous to a modern, balanced diet. They may be of some help to the chronically ill but then only in clinically supervised doses. In others, vitamins can be positively dangerous in large quantities. In fact, what is being sold in those impressive white tubs is little hits of hope and placebo.
8. Automated Handwash Pump
Soap. Now there was a cracking idea. Breaking up grease and killing germs resident on hands and sweaty bodies. Smelt great, was affordable, and sat neatly in that indent on the side of the bath or basin. So useful in fact, that somebody decided we must be completely convinced it was actually under performing terribly. First we were introduced to hand gel. This was okay, I suppose. It looked a bit like it was from Logan's Run, foamed up pretty well, enabling you to pretend you were a surgeon from the future. But that was just for starters. Next came the fear factor. Don't you realise what's going on?! You're touching the gel pump bottle with your disgusting, diseased hands? What's wrong with you? For goodness sake, get a grip. Or rather don't. Instead use this fantastic, USS Enterprise approved automated hand gel dispenser. This baby senses your hand is underneath and spews out antiseptic goo there and then. You don't have to touch that rancid pump at any stage. Of course, even if you did, it would be a split second before you disinfected yourself with the gel anyway. So... er ... hand sensor rendered completely useless. Like I say, that soap is really great.
7. Five Blade Razors
You know that whole "less is more" thing? Yes, it doesn't work in the world of blokes' shaving tackle. For this is a habitat where you can't have enough of anything. Chicks, sports cars, slaps on the back from the boss - oh, and blades. Especially blades. That four bladed, laser guided, gel lubricated monster in the bathroom cabinet? Forget it, pal. You lose. It only has four blades. And how much use are they? They're no use at all. They'll barely tickle that manly chin of yours. No, no, my friend, you need to be rocking five blades to clear that stubble and avoid the horrified glare of a beautiful woman when she realises your cheeks just ain't smooth enough. Get that extra blade on board right now.
Although, did we mention our six blade model?
6. Y2K Protection
I hate to open up old wounds and expose the agonising emotions of that terrible night to the glare of sunlight. But we owe it to those who suffered so terribly in the Y2K disaster to remember those apocalyptic events now and again. Who could have imagined something as ordinary and simple as a date function on a computer chip could bring such calamity to the planet? Those of us who survived will always wish we had taken the warnings more seriously and moved to prevent the horrors of complete tech-meltdown which immediately followed the stroke of midnight on December 31st 1999. May God forgive us all.
Either that, or it was some old semi-sci-fi eyewash dreamt up by bored geeks and subsequently flogged to every business with insufficient knowledge and a surplus of paranoia. To be honest I forget ...
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Magnus Shaw is a copywriter, blogger and consultant.
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