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James Wormald November 17th, 2017, around noon
SO YOU'RE GOING TO BE A FATHER2015s Shared Parental Leave laws and greater gender income equality has meant a boom in SAHDs (Stay-at-Home-Dads), but the pressures and challenges of being a man in a parent’s world might be different than you think.
Parenting in 2016. It’s an expensive business. Our local nursery fees are over £16.5k a year (double for two). As a lowly in-house copywriter for a mostly unknown publishing company, this was far more than my annual take-home. Add to that the additional time or expense required to cover inset days, training days, two full weeks over Christmas and all manner of sick days (if a child simply coughs in the vicinity, the shutters come down, gas masks go on and a keyworker paints a red cross on your child’s face).
The decision to become a Stay-at-Home-Parent was an easy one. (I hate the term ‘Stay-at-Home-Dad’, as if gender has anything to do with the job description. I do exactly the same things as any ‘Stay-at-Home-Mum’ I know, while being equally as ill-equipped.
In some things, of course, my gender and I are entirely inefficient. Breastfeeding for one. My partner and I were lucky enough to be able to do it - actually just my partner, I had no involvement. So as soon as our daughter turned one and was advisably able to move to cow’s milk, my career took a dramatic turn.
Currently I’ve been in the job for around 18 months. If you speak to anyone with children older than yours, they’ll delight in schooling you in just how easy you have it. ‘They’re easy at that age aren’t they?’ they’ll chirp. Looking relaxed and refreshed because they had more than 30 minutes sleep last night and don’t have sick in their hair. Let me tell you this, children are NEVER easy, but in those 18 months my role has become easier and easier and easier.
Day one. When your partner starts a working day of 10 hours blissful freedom, they slowly close the door on your already crumbling confidence. You glance down into the large, judgmental eyes of your calm, duplicitous child. ‘Sure, you’re happy now’, you think. But what happens if you have to wait more than four seconds for milk at the perfect temperature? What if you somehow get through all of your 120 babygros before I can wash and dry more? And how the hell do I move the shopping and the baby from the car into the house if I can’t park close enough?
It’s not just the pressure you put on yourself to perform either. As a parent it can feel like the whole world is against you. Shops, buses, trains, libraries, cafés, dentists even doctor’s surgeries, all apparently off limits if you pay attention to the modern tutting public.
Sometimes it can be especially hard to be a man trying to get by in this world, like when you’re looking for a changing table in a pub or shop. If it’s a small place there might only be a table in the ladies’ toilet, and what then? Other times you can be let off the worst of it, ‘He’s only a man’ they seem to think, ‘How can he be expected to know’. Which feels even worse, as if there’s a secret class at school all the girls are herded off to while the boys argue which superhero is better.
You get used to this pretty quickly, not caring what people might be thinking or saying to each other. Asking politely for help or, if need be, pushing past/into people - why they’re called pushchairs I presume. The pressure and embarrassment you heap on yourself, however, can take a little longer to learn to live with.
Playgroup Pressure is one thing - not knowing what sound a squirrel makes or what, exactly, Old McDonald really DOES have on his farm - but the real pressure of being a parent is for their physical and mental wellbeing, for which you seem to be solely and entirely responsible. Do they eat enough X or too much Y? Are they snacking too much? Are they getting enough fresh air? Why can’t they say as many words as Jonathan or why aren’t they as agile as Jessica? Do they watch too much TV? Do you do enough socialising? Are you ruining their life?! (An accusation you’ll hear in their later years regardless).
Most of us like to plan and prepare. That’s how we overcome nervousness and pressure in a normal working environment. Has been ever since school. We do mock exams, we practice driving manoeuvres, we make notes, compile data and statistics. But all these issues, and many more you’ll doubtless worry about, must be learnt on the job (except for bringing the shopping in, I still haven’t worked that one out).
You spend nine months hoping that when the time comes you’ll finally feel ready, but you never do. Until one day, you realise that thing you’ve been worrying about happening, just happened. And it was actually OK.
This is a job unlike any other you’ve had before. It demands no prior experience; it’s extremely difficult to get right yet despite what others think, anyone can do it; and it’s all for a boss who will continue to love, adore and idolise you, no matter how many times you mess it up.
James Wormald November 17th, 2017, around noon
INCOME PROTECTION: FOR HEALTHY FINANCES WHEN SICKNESS THREATENS YOUR SALARYWith winter firmly taking hold and the dreaded flu doing the rounds, there's never been a better time to take stock of how a more serious illness could affect your finances.
In most instances, a flu bug is nothing that a good dose of Lemsip and daytime TV won't fix. But if you were still too poorly to do your job after a couple of weeks, or a couple of months, how might you carry on covering your regular outgoings?
Statutory or company sick pay may seem the obvious answer. However, the value of the former is often grossly overestimated (it's currently a very modest £88.45 a week), while the latter will only last for a certain period.
Perhaps, then, savings will cover your salary gap? A recent survey by the Money Advice Service suggests otherwise. It found that four in 10 adults in the UK do not have £500 or more to fall back on. Another by ING bank suggests 28% of UK adults have nothing at all in the bank.
Gets to work when you can't
That's where an Income Protection policy could plug the gap. Offering a financial safety net when sickness (or accident, or unemployment) keeps you off work, it can take care of everything from mortgage repayments to the weekly shopping allowance.
Not to be confused with Payment Protection Insurance (PPI), which covers a specific debt if you’re unable to work, Short-Term Income Protection pays out a monthly tax-free benefit that can be used any way you chose.
Typically this is a sizeable proportion of your salary (on average around 50-70%) until you’re able to return to work or you reach the end of the benefit pay out period. Covering essential monthly outgoings like rent or fuel for the car, it means you won't have to rely on family support, overdrafts or other types of borrowing.
Myth-busting
Despite these obvious advantages, only 17% of working households in the UK have Income Protection insurance. So why aren’t more people queuing up for a policy? One of the most common myths is that the insurance seldom pays out. But based on reports from ABI, in 2015 over 91% of individual claims were approved, totalling a staggering £131m.
Another concern is the cost of cover but short-term Income Protection, which will provide benefit payments for around 12 months on average, is a much more affordable option than the more comprehensive permanent health insurance, which guarantees pay out until retirement age. This makes this type of income protection cover more accessible to those who cannot afford large monthly premiums.
Reasons to consider Income Protection
Remember, an Income Protection policy will:
• help cover your regular outgoings if you can't work
• make sure that incapacity or unemployment doesn’t become a financial disaster for your family
• avoid the need to rely on savings or state benefits to tide you over
• offer the flexibility to choose a pay-out time period that suits you.
To find out more or to get a free quote visit: www.unioninsurance.co.uk/products/income-protection/
James Wormald November 17th, 2017, around noon
START THE CONVERSATION: MEN’S MENTAL HEALTHRecent high-profile campaigns, documentaries and spokespeople like Stephen Fry's 'The Not So Secret Life of the Manic Depressive: 10 Years On' (BBC One) and retiring England Cricketer Jonathan Trott have launched the subject of Men's Mental Health into the public spotlight.
Some surveys suggest as many as 1 in 4 of us suffer from mental health problems each year, and 75% of all suicides (caused by a variety of mental health issues) in 2015 were men.
Suicide is now the biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK. There are more charities and campaigns than ever before, committed to increasing awareness and education, offering help, advice and support to those suffering and to those around them. Despite this, however, most approaches to suicide prevention are much more effective at helping women. But a host of man-focussed charities such as CALM, Movember and Stop Male Suicide are specifically targeting men in need of help, through helplines and advice forums, as well as social media campaigns such as #ManDictionary, #BiggerIssues, #BoysDoCry and the new campaign from Time-To-Change: #InYourCorner, Find out more at http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/what-you-should-know/be-your-mates-corner
A YouGov survey commissioned by the Mental Health Foundation suggests the problem lies with an outdated culture of masculinity. The research found that almost a third of men with mental health problems failed to seek any medical help, compared to a quarter of women. Mark Rowland, Director at the Mental Health Foundation, said men need to "feel more able to share when they are vulnerable. This is not about being more of a man but being more in touch with humanity."
This is why the work the aforementioned Men's Mental Health charities do is so important. Not just giving those in need help and advice, but to cause cultural shifts in human interaction.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are supporting The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM), and award-winning charity dedicated to preventing male suicide. CALM believes that many men are culturally inclined to believe they’re expected to be in control at all times, and failure to remain in control equates to weakness and a loss of masculinity. CALM offers support through helplines, webchats and their website; works to challenge the culture that prevents men seeking help through media and PR activities and pushes for changes in policy and practice alongside other suicide prevention charities.
While Emmy Award-winning actress Gillian Anderson is using her status to spearhead a campaign (MQ) that challenges mental illness by funding world-leading research. As well as increasing awareness, MQ also aims to make mental illnesses understood scientifically, effectively treated and preventable.
The stigma surrounding mental health means it’s often too difficult for men to seek professional or social help. Paul Farmer, Chief Executive of mental health charity Mind said “Too many men wrongly believe that admitting mental stress makes them weak... compounding this alarming situation is the fact that often when men do reach out for help the appropriate support is not there for them.”
Men's health charity Movember offers the following advice for men on staying mentally healthy and coping with the stresses of everyday life. To invest the time to encourage and celebrate our humanity.
● Establish new and maintain old relationships.
● Talk about the hard things in life, not just the good.
● Take positive action at difficult periods of life, little by little.
● Find things that make you feel great and help to de-stress.
● Share what's going on. Especially if you feel overwhelmed.
● Improve overall health and wellbeing through diet and exercise.
If you believe someone you know may be suffering from poor mental health, WebMD relates that sudden calmness, withdrawal, changes in appearance and making preparations are specific signs of suicidal mind. However the charity Mind advises that men often don’t display the traditional symptoms of depression (sleepless nights, feeling low) and are more likely to show aggressive behaviour and substance abuse, meaning the symptoms can easily be misdiagnosed.
For more information, here is a list of charitable organisations and websites offering information, services and resources to anyone in need:
www.mind.org.uk
www.thecalmzone.net
www.movember.com
www.stopmalesuicide.com
www.mqmentalhealth.org
www.papyrus-uk.org
www.webmd.com