ABOUT

Non binary, trans-gender in Berlin.Life is not black and white, so is not gender. Between black and white we can find a long spectrum of shades of gray and a lot of colours. To identify ourselves as man or woman may be the most common, but it does not mean that there are not other ways to feel gender.During this project I have been in touch with 4 different persons who opened their mouth and their hearts to me to talk about gender issues. I feel grateful that I had the opportunity to do this project and had the luck to understand that there are more ways to live between the extremes of black and white.
Conny, 36 years old from Germany
The first thought I had when I realised I did not feel comfortable inside the binary of male and female I was around 3 years old. My mother was naked in front of me and I saw her boobs and I pointed at them and said “mom, I don't want to have that” In 2017 when I was 34 I realised who I am, at the moment I don't feel like a woman. In German I prefer people to refer to me using the pronoun “er”(he). I’ve asked my friends to call me “er” and I have been using this pronoun for 1 year. With regards to my body I still have boobs but I will definitely use the surgery to remove them.At my work I am still treated as a female, I don't feel the need, at least right now, to change my pronoun, because I am doing a career in a big company and I just want to focus in that and I want stability. When I was a teenager in the 90s and raised in a small city from East Germany. At that time I never had the concept of non binary, the only thing I knew a bit about was homosexuality. When I was 16 I realised I love women and then that was the first step. In that time I knew the concept of lesbianism, a woman who loves women is a lesbian and so I guess due to religion it took a lot of years for me to accept myself. Around that time I also started to learn about transsexuality. I met a trans man and a trans woman and they both had very big mental issues, so I thought that in order to make a transition you had to be mentally unhappy. Now I know that is not the case.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I like my body, my belly, my legs, my shoulders, my arms....But I see my boobs and it does not match. Sometimes, I feel a lot of pressure and that makes me cry. It makes me anxious because I don't want them to be there anymore.In my sexual fantasies I have a dick. I think it is very practical, I imagine myself fucking my girlfriend with a dick. But, to be honest, talking about aesthetics, I don't imagine myself with a dick. I often think about it, whether or not I really need it, but my need to have a dick is not big enough to take the step to make a surgery. Transsexuality for me is how I feel socially, and when people meet me the first impression that they have of me is that  I am a man. When they see me with my girlfriend they think we are a straight couple. I had very bad masculine influences during my life. I know there are many good men, but at the moment, I am still searching for positive examples of them. I started to look for it, I have to deal with my image about masculinity and sometimes I feel pressure, I feel insecure of how to be a man. I know there are specific expectations on how a man is supposed to behave, we are influenced by the hetero standard relationship. In my relationships with girls I feel like I want to protect them and treat them like princesses and that makes me feel good.
I would define myself as a feminist. In the future I want to create a family with my girlfriend. She could give birth, it wouldn’t make sense for me to give birth, as wouldn’t match my role.I feel as a man everyday. In spring 2018 one friend asked me which pronoun I wanted him to use for me, the pronouns “them, they” do not work in German because "sie"(she or they) works for female and plural. If I have to choose between “sie” and “er”of course my answer would be, “er”. From that point I started to talk about myself in masculine and I ask my friends to do so, and when people started to call me “er” after 2 weeks I felt I have released a tension that I have inside of me since my childhood, I feel better, I feel much lighter, much more free. The change of pronoun was a “Aha” moment, and that is when my journey started. Now the question is: How far I want to go with my transition for my body gender to fit my social gender.
Eryka from Germany
I don't like the tag “transexual”. I prefer “transgender”. It’s a better word because is not about sex. Sometimes I will say I am non binary, but if cis heterosexual people ask who am I, these kind of questions really annoy me, I don't talk to them about trans or non binary, I simply say to them that I am a woman, and if they say something back to me I would say “shut the fuck up”. But, if a go to a meeting with non binary people, I will define myself as a gender clown or gender fuck. Clowns always wear a mask, whatever they represent, they make jokes, even about sad topics. So the people can talk or make fun about it. There are so many arguments and discussions about gender, and all this WC shit. It will be good if people could just laugh about it, and just be open about gender.At 4 years old I knew I was not a boy, I said I am a girl and everybody said no no no no no you are not! I thought, then I was wrong and they were right and it took me until I was 32 to get over it.I tried to be a man really hard, but everyday somebody would say “no no no” that is not how real men do it. And then I thought: “What the fuck? How can I be a real man?” I needed to do all those things like behave as a man for them to think I am a real man.But now, I don't want to define my gender anymore. It is not like I wake up in the morning and need to feel male or female.It is about me dressing and thinking regarding to the people with whom I am going to meet during the day.
I have been taking hormones for 2 and a half years and I love it. My body is changing but it is a long process. The main thing that is changing is that I am growing boobs, my skin became super sensitive, I got my first sunburn and it feels very different. My emotions changed a lot for the better, orgasms became “Oh my God”, million times better and the sense of smelling has become better. In the other hand, I am weaker, all my muscle disappeared, even going to the supermarket and bringing the stuff up to the apartment is exhausting.But one thing that really hate is my penis because it is not supposed to be there. Is not like a LEGO piece where the doctor can take it out and put something else instead. However I am very scared of the surgery although I would probably do it if they could promised everything would be fine. I have met a couple of people who already had a bad experience.Sometimes, when I get angry I let my masculine side to go out, but when I am super cute I feel more feminine.
But many people don't talk to me anymore, including my family and friends. At the beginning all my friends said: “oh you are so brave, how can we support you?” But, everytime I need some support or to talk to somebody, they just simply don't have time. Everybody from my earlier life is gone. When questioned about how she sees herself when she turns 50, she answered:"There so many me’s. I would love to be a beautiful lady, but I am afraid I cannot. Look at me! I am not a barbie! I am more successful in my life as a Punk girl.I wish I could take a gender break where everybody will ignore gender and treat everybody with respect.
Pavel, 23 from Bulgaria
Everywhere in the world when people talk about the LGTB+ group they normally just talk about sexual orientation and not about gender which for me, is more important than sexuality.If you don't fit into the binary group like cis men or cis women people get aggressive to you, they don't understand, they see you and think: Are you a girl or are you a boy?The problem is not really with whom I like to have sex, the problem is when I go to the street and I wear a dress, make up and high heels and how people react towards it.
Still, I am fighting against the concept of binary, so, depending on the day I may feel more masculine or more feminine, and if one day I feel insecure I will dress more neutral manner. As an example, for my job I don't wear nail polish or anything because I may risk losing my position.I have never felt really like a man or a woman. If I look very manly I feel ashamed. But I still perceive that society feels more attracted to the people who are on the binary either very masculine or very feminine.
During my trips to Bulgaria to visit my family I remove anything who could be seemed as feminine, even my earrings! I still have the fear I had from Bulgaria that is preventing me to live more freely. It takes time to open the mind and not to think in binary terms.About outfit, I really like to wear gender neutral clothes, for example my mother always wear clothes who can be useful for both sex.I always liked to be a performer and I would love to become a dragqueen. I always wanted to do it as a kid but I still have fear to perform in front of a public even though I think the point is to fight your own fears.
Dome 29, from Peru
I consider myself a non-binary, agender person. For me, since I was 25 is like that because before I didn't know I could do it. I arrived in Berlin when I was 25, I did a master in interdisciplinary gender studies and before that I studied social sciences degree in Vienna where I focused on racism. My final degree project was on the topic of racism in Peru. At that moment I realised that racism cannot be separated from gender and sexuality, so I decided to do this master's degree in Berlin.When I arrived in Berlin here I was in contact with the queer, trans and non binary community it was for me a political, social awakening.Eventually, this discomfort that I always had with gender became clear.For example, when I walk down the street in Berlin, people don't think that I am a non binary person. I give workshops on sexual diversity and where I explain what is non binary. Some children who asked me then... do you have something (penis)? Because they still think gender is related to genitals.But, for example, when I was in Peru I had a very different experience, I didn't look like man or a woman, and they called me a lot “Joven“(Young man). For example I was going to park my car somebody told me "Joven, here" and then I went out and they saw me and they said "excuse me señorita". I was something that for them was not common because I was not part of the normalized femininity, I always liked not to be part of what people expect me to be. My appearance made them very uncomfortable, and confused them. If I I entered the women's toilet and someone told me you are wrong, this is ladies toilet.
About pronouns I rather prefer everyone to use my name, I say my name is Dome. I lived in a WG with trans and queer people and most of them used non binary pronouns. For me it was perfect.Now, no one assumes that I'm non binary and everyone thinks of me as a cis, heterosexual woman. When I'm in public space with my boyfriend (cis, white, heterosexual man) they see us as a cis straight couple. I am aware of all the privileges of not having to live transphobic and homophobic violence.About my mother she always wanted me to wear dresses every day and make up and I was not comfortable with it.The more I think about gender the more clear it is that I do not see myself as a binary being. For example, today you see me like this but in a year, I can have a totally different look. So, if tomorrow I shave my hair and put on male clothes, they may assume that now I am part of non binary queer community although I have not changed and I'm still the same.